I was walking on the street. Or the street was walking on me. It depends how one looks at it. But I’m not writing about the street. It’s about where the street got me. And it got me in front of a charming, beautiful, fabulous looking restaurant somewhere in the almost central area of Luang Prabang in Laos. And what did I see on that restaurant? Words. That’s what I saw. Words put together creating the following title:
HOLY RESTAURANT PIZZA
Once I saw that little title above the restaurant’s entrance I felt I was in good hands. The fact of the matter was that I’d been craving for a big ass crusty pizza coming fresh from a firewood oven with some good old rucola, parmesan and prosciutto crudo, just the way I used to have God knows how many times. And that was because I had just completed a 3 hour long round trip cycle for the sake of seeing a waterfall. But the waterfall didn’t have no water.
So after 3 hours of cycling basically for nothing in the scorching sun I figured that the best I could do was to spoil myself with a pizza, despite the multitude of Laotian food which was way cheaper. I can’t help it sometime. No matter where I’m standing on this planet and no matter how God level tasty the food is there, I still crave for a pizza every now and then. Real pizza. Made in the real Italian way. And that place I had just stumbled upon happened to be that kind of real pizza restaurant.
Being certain that I was minutes away from gorging on a smoking hot pizza, I walked straight inside the restaurant in the middle of that burning afternoon. There was nobody else eating there, which made things even better. I always fancied eating in empty restaurants.
Things looked good. Until they didn’t look so good anymore. One of the staff members was chilling around and I told him I wanted some pizza. The guy looked at me and told me the restaurant wasn’t serving pizza until 6pm. One doesn’t simply hear that from a restaurant which had the word “PIZZA” in its name. One usually expects at least a few things from a restaurant that has a certain food item as part of its name. And usually that particular food would be one of those things.
Never before had I ever thought that I would hear the words “we don’t serve pizza” coming from a place called “HOLY RESTAURANT PIZZA”. I felt outraged
I was in utter disbelief. There had to be a glitch in the matrix. It was one of those moments when I felt compelled to question reality itself and ask myself whether or not we were actually living in a simulation. There was simply no way in Hell I would walk into a pizza restaurant and be told that there was no pizza until 6pm. The guys working there were just NPCs programmed to pull up this nonsense.
I looked at the NPC Laotian human. He gave that air of a shy and frightened animal. He looked like a college graduate who was having for the first time an actual taste of responsibility. We stared at each other for 2 seconds. 2 uncomfortable seconds when I took my time to decide if I should still be civil or let out my inner rage and trash the whole place.
“You don’t have pizza before 6pm?” I asked the guy with a perplexed face, as if giving him a second chance to give a better answer.
“No, we’re sorry. Only after 6pm. We’re really sorry.” He said with the same NPC vibration.
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yes. We’re very sorry.”
“Why though? What kind of pizza place doesn’t serve pizza during day time? You literally have the word ‘PIZZA’ in the name of your restaurant.” I went on.
As I mentioned that fact, I took a few steps outside to find myself in front on the restaurant to have that sign in view. The NPC waiter followed. I pointed to the sign for him.
“Your place is called ‘HOLY RESTAURANT PIZZA’. That implies that you serve pizza anytime in your damn schedule. If that’s not the case, then you’re all a bunch of liars.”
“We’re sorry about that. Would you like to order something else?” The waiter suggested.
“No. I don’t want to do that. I came here specifically for pizza. Because I saw this food in the restaurant’s name. And if anyone sees that, they expect SOME GOD DAMN PIZZA.” I raised my tone. Mayhem was on its way. “NOT SUSHI, NOT CHIMICHANGAS, NOT TIKKA MASALA, BUT FREAKING PIZZA! BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU DO IF YOUR RESTAURANT BEARS THE WORD ‘PIZZA’ AT ITS ENTRANCE!”
That was all I had to say. Some other staff members were peering out as I let out my honest and unfiltered opinion in front of their fellow NPC waiter. Then I just walked away and oferred them a final remark.
“I’m going somewhere else to find a pizza because you guys suck. I’m never coming back here. Fucking assholes.” Those were the last words they had ever heard from me.
And gone I was. Gone into oblivion. Away from the only pizza place that had ever refused to give me pizza. Away from those NPCs. Away from that subnormal spot of lies, deception and confusion.
Where to go next? What to do? My crave for pizza was still unfulfilled. My desire was left pending. My individuality was slowly fading. I had just taken a big blow. What was I to become? The scorching sun was still relentless. Relentless there, for evermore. I walked on the lonesome road where my shadow was my only friend. Nihilism was slowly creeping under my wretched burnt skin. I was in trouble. I was in dire straits. My condition was degrading to a new low.
But lo. The depths of despair into which I was plunging showed me a ray of light. Right around the corner, after 5 minutes of walking, I encountered another pizza joint. And while that place didn’t have the word “PIZZA” in its title, it did deliver the exact pizza I had been dreaming of. All my misfortunes had been thus redeemed on the spot. Fuck me, that pizza was good.