Every now and then one stumbles across some special character that tells something as stupefying and intriguing as it can get. Such an individual suddenly pops in and out in some of the most random place just to deliver an anecdote that simply can’t be forgotten so easily. And once that’s through, one doesn’t get to see this individual ever again, which doesn’t even matter, for what he had just told would reverberate forever in one’s long list of memories. At least this sort of thing keeps on happening in my case for some reason. I can’t really explain why this is, but I can’t say it bothers me either. On the contrary. As the rambling man that I’ve become, writing here and there tales and stories, some more fictional and some more stretched than others, I’m yearning for such humans to come across my way and tell me about all their eccentricities and weird encounters. The more bizarre and eerie, the better. The more debaucherous, the juicier. And oh boy, this fella I’m about to tell you about had a bit of everything in what he’d told me.
I happened to be in Da Nang city, where I had been for the past 2 weeks or so, going for the 100th time to the supermarket across the street to buy beers and snacks as the usual late-night custom. But this time it was different. I saw this old blue-eyed fella walking on one of the aisles. We were somehow both in a funny mood, and we could both see that.
“Where is my friend?” He asked me.
“I don’t know.” I told him.
“You don’t know?”
“Nobody knows!”
“Nobody knows, everything goes, and we both have a nose!” The guy was into rhymes all of a sudden. I dug that. I knew in that instant that I’d just met an interesting fella.
We laughed. “Where are you from?” He went on.
“I’m from Romania.”
“Oh yes, I know Romania. You guys fought with the Nazis in WW2.”
“Yeah, and when they were losing the war, Romania switched sides. It’s a typical Romanian thing.”
“I remember that, yes. Not cool, man. It wasn’t fair play!”
“It is what it is.” It felt so casual. Neither of us was serious about whatever we were discussing. And why would one be? We were both chilling in Da Nang, tapping into that holiday energy stream coming from the Vietnamese summer magic.
“Yes indeed, but after that you got Ceau-Ceau-Ceausescu[1]!”
“Yeah, and we shot him on Christmas Day. My mom told me it had been the best Christmas she’d ever had at the time!”
“Sure, but it wasn’t a fair trial, man!”
“Well, he deserved it anyway.”
“That is true. But you know who didn’t deserve to be shot? Gaddafi[2]. He was an ok leader. Look at Libya now. It’s complete shit. Killing Gaddafi was a big mistake. I know that because I was working for the CIA at the time.”
“So you’re from America?”
“No. I’m from Denmark. But I worked for the CIA.”
“Cool.”
We kept talking about some CIA matters, world order, various concerns about the current situation and what might be in the future, Russia, Africa, and other subject matters. It was a real pleasure talking to him. He knew a lot of things. And he was funny too.
“So how long have you been in Vietnam?” I asked the guy later on.
“10 years. I love it here. Let me tell you something. One of my girlfriends was one of the managers of Vinhomes[3]. Really sweet lady. She gave me two apartments in two different complexes. Just like that, for free!”
“Oh man, how lucky. That right there is true love.”
“I think she was a bit crazy too. One time we went on a trip to Ninh Binh, and two of her lady friends joined in. We had a boat trip, and it was really beautiful. Later on, when we were back at our homestay, she pointed at her two girlfriends and told me to fuck them! She just looked at me and then told me that she was going to make a video with us doing it!”
No way the guy had just told me that. We had been chatting for maybe 20 minutes, and the conversation went from Ceausescu, the CIA, and Gaddafi to an amateur threesome adult film motion picture in Vietnam real quick. You can’t really make this up. I was cracking. The guy had a wicked smile, and that made me crack even more. My respect for him increased tremendously.
“Damn!” I was still laughing. “And did you go for it?”
“Of course! Do you want to see the video?”
“Well… sure!”
I couldn’t refuse the man. It’s not every day that I get to watch a video concerning interracial coitus between an old Danish dude and two young Vietnamese ladies that were totally going for it, inviting the man to fulfill an exotic fantasy which they had been probably secretly plotting with his girlfriend, the mastermind behind it all. I mean, what were the odds? If I had said “no,” years and years later I would remember that some ex-CIA guy from Denmark had been once willing to show me amateur porn with him starring in the main role and two daring and enthusiastic Vietnamese young ladies. And retrospectively, remembering that I would have refused such an offer would make me look like a complete fool. So, there was no way in hell I was going to turn down a chance like that.
The following minute I was watching this video with two beautiful and joyful women taking turns to suck the old guy as dry as a raisin. Later on in that same clip, a different kind of erotic act was summoned in that very same room, involving the three of them, all filmed through the lens of the guy’s rich girlfriend, who wanted to record one hell of a memory with her man and her two lady friends. I’ll not go into further details describing what was happening on the guy’s smartphone screen. I’ll leave the rest to the reader’s imagination.
“It’s great fun living here in Vietnam.” The Danish fella told me after the footage was over. “I still have the apartments, but I broke up with that lady. It simply couldn’t work.” He spoke with a slight trace of disappointment. “But then I met another nice girl. She called herself Nini. She was great too!”
“You’re really having the time here, man. I like your style.”
“Forget about me. Do you want to see Nini?”
“You bet!”
In an instant the guy showed me this video with a sensual short lady walking on a lonesome street in some jungle, wearing nothing but a pair of sneakers. She made occasional turns while smiling all the time. She was stunning. I recognized the guy’s voice in the background, praising her style, her beauty, and herself. Nini seemed to have had zero problems with being filmed in that particular circumstance. She was actually enjoying it. It was as if the camera made her give more of her shiny secrets to whoever might get to see that footage sometime in the days that would follow. And in one of those days it so happened that it was me to get to see those moving pictures. The clip reminded me somehow of Michael Jackson’s “Liberian Girl” tune. There was jungle, a road going through it, and Nini walking alone in the middle, making occasional spins, displaying Adam’s costume in all its grace. The music I had in mind fit right in with that decorum.
The more I watched, the more I began envying the man. I had my share of funny and naughty memories in Vietnam, but that guy was on another level. From all the women that he could’ve interacted with, he ended up in the company of the lady owning the biggest and most booming real estate establishment from the whole dern country. She even liked him enough to give him 2 apartments, just like giving him drinks or cigarettes. And that very same woman decided to use the guy as a sex toy and persuade him to be filmed in an 18+ context, starring her very own good friends. The man didn’t even know what that video would be used for, and he didn’t even seem to care. He simply consented to everything he’d been put through, enjoying himself evermore.
“You sure had a fun time here in Vietnam, man.” I told him, after the Nini clip was over.
“Me? No. You want to know what is fun?” He asked.
“What?”
“Nini is fun!”
“Well, say hello to her from me when you see her again.”
“I’m afraid that won’t be possible.” He suddenly turned a bit nostalgic. He wasn’t laughing anymore. “I let her down, unfortunately. We haven’t spoken in a long time.
“Still, the memory remains, man. That’s the most important thing.”
“Exactly! That’s just what it is. That is life itself. You choose what you make out of it.” He assumed this position of a sage all of a sudden. “You know the song ‘Hotel California’ by the Eagles?”
“Yes, I do.”
“So you remember the final line: ‘You can check out anytime you like. But you can never leave!’ Remember that line, man. That’s the essence right there. Don’t forget it!”
I must’ve heard that verse around a million times before. And every single time I didn’t really give too much thought to it. But that particular time it was different. It was as if those words had finally hit me. The way that guy said the line finally delivered its true meaning. I was coming across a secret that had been hiding under my nose all that time. And once I was able to see it, it couldn’t remain unseen no more.
I kept thinking about the guy for a long time after that. He had told me about all his debauchery in this country without any hesitation. Every bit was told with full confidence, not missing any detail whatsoever. I even asked him if the clip he’d showed me might’ve made it on the internet, to which he told me that he didn’t really give a shit. What a lad. What a character. He was simply in the moment, and whatever others might’ve thought about him was simply a matter of indifference.
I opened one of the beers on my way to the hostel. I had a smile on my face as I could add another fella to my long list of wacky characters I encountered along the way in my travels. It was one of those times when someone you meet for the briefest time makes a lifelong lasting impression on you. There are people that you meet for many years, and they barely tell you anything. And then there’s some random fella you casually stumble upon in a supermarket, and during a 30-minute chat, he gives you one of the best pieces of advice there is out there. And you simply can’t forget it, as it sticks to you throughout every grain of sand going down the hourglass.
After our “Hotel California” moment, we wished each other good night and went our own separate ways. I thought about Nini. I was hoping she was fine.
[1] Nicolae Ceausescu (1918-1989): Romanian dictator who ruled the country between 1965 and 1989, when he was executed on Christmas day alongside with his wife, Elena Ceausescu.
[2] Muammar Gaddafi (1942-2011): Libyan leader between 1969 to 2011, when he was assassinated by the rebel forces, as part of the Arab spring uprisings.
[3] Vinhomes: The largest real estate developer in Vietnam
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Illustrations by Andy Vansen.